Selfless vs Selfish
Selfless vs Selfish
Selfless vs Selfish
The Truth Is You’ve Been Mixing Them Up
The Truth Is You’ve Been Mixing Them Up
The Truth Is You’ve Been Mixing Them Up
January 9, 2026
January 9, 2026
January 9, 2026
Being “selfless” is not the same as being good.
Let’s get loud for a second. Some people are not selfless. They are untrained in saying no. Some people are not selfish. They are finally tired of disappearing.
We’ve been taught to praise sacrifice like it’s the highest form of love. But sacrifice without consent becomes a slow resentment. You start calling it “duty” when it’s really depletion. You start calling it “support” when it’s actually self-neglect.
The issue is not that selfless and selfish both exist. The issue is when you don’t know which one is driving your choices. Because when you can’t name it, you can’t lead it. And when you can’t lead it, you repeat it.
Selfless is service with consent.
Selfish is taking without regard.
But there’s a third category people don’t want to admit: self-abandonment. That’s when you call it “love” but it feels like punishment.
Self-abandonment is sneaky. It shows up as being “the strong one.” It shows up as being “easy to work with.” It shows up as being “the dependable friend.” Then it cashes out as burnout, quiet rage, or emotional numbness.
Being your own center does not make you cold. It makes you clear. And clear people stop volunteering to be drained. Clear people stop confusing guilt with guidance.
Things to think about along the way
When I say yes, do I feel expanded or resentful?
Do I help because I care or because I’m scared of being seen as “not enough”?
Who benefits from me never needing anything?
Takeaways
Resentment is a receipt. It proves you crossed yourself for approval.
People-pleasing is control wearing a halo.
Boundaries are not walls. They’re directions.
The “Center Check” Before You Say Yes
Before your next yes, ask:
Is this aligned or is this familiar?
What will this cost my body and my time?
If nobody clapped for me, would I still do it?
Then respond with one of these:
“I can do that, but not today.”
“I can help for 20 minutes, not two hours.”
“That doesn’t work for me, but here’s what does.”
Being “selfless” is not the same as being good.
Let’s get loud for a second. Some people are not selfless. They are untrained in saying no. Some people are not selfish. They are finally tired of disappearing.
We’ve been taught to praise sacrifice like it’s the highest form of love. But sacrifice without consent becomes a slow resentment. You start calling it “duty” when it’s really depletion. You start calling it “support” when it’s actually self-neglect.
The issue is not that selfless and selfish both exist. The issue is when you don’t know which one is driving your choices. Because when you can’t name it, you can’t lead it. And when you can’t lead it, you repeat it.
Selfless is service with consent.
Selfish is taking without regard.
But there’s a third category people don’t want to admit: self-abandonment. That’s when you call it “love” but it feels like punishment.
Self-abandonment is sneaky. It shows up as being “the strong one.” It shows up as being “easy to work with.” It shows up as being “the dependable friend.” Then it cashes out as burnout, quiet rage, or emotional numbness.
Being your own center does not make you cold. It makes you clear. And clear people stop volunteering to be drained. Clear people stop confusing guilt with guidance.
Things to think about along the way
When I say yes, do I feel expanded or resentful?
Do I help because I care or because I’m scared of being seen as “not enough”?
Who benefits from me never needing anything?
Takeaways
Resentment is a receipt. It proves you crossed yourself for approval.
People-pleasing is control wearing a halo.
Boundaries are not walls. They’re directions.
The “Center Check” Before You Say Yes
Before your next yes, ask:
Is this aligned or is this familiar?
What will this cost my body and my time?
If nobody clapped for me, would I still do it?
Then respond with one of these:
“I can do that, but not today.”
“I can help for 20 minutes, not two hours.”
“That doesn’t work for me, but here’s what does.”
Being “selfless” is not the same as being good.
Let’s get loud for a second. Some people are not selfless. They are untrained in saying no. Some people are not selfish. They are finally tired of disappearing.
We’ve been taught to praise sacrifice like it’s the highest form of love. But sacrifice without consent becomes a slow resentment. You start calling it “duty” when it’s really depletion. You start calling it “support” when it’s actually self-neglect.
The issue is not that selfless and selfish both exist. The issue is when you don’t know which one is driving your choices. Because when you can’t name it, you can’t lead it. And when you can’t lead it, you repeat it.
Selfless is service with consent.
Selfish is taking without regard.
But there’s a third category people don’t want to admit: self-abandonment. That’s when you call it “love” but it feels like punishment.
Self-abandonment is sneaky. It shows up as being “the strong one.” It shows up as being “easy to work with.” It shows up as being “the dependable friend.” Then it cashes out as burnout, quiet rage, or emotional numbness.
Being your own center does not make you cold. It makes you clear. And clear people stop volunteering to be drained. Clear people stop confusing guilt with guidance.
Things to think about along the way
When I say yes, do I feel expanded or resentful?
Do I help because I care or because I’m scared of being seen as “not enough”?
Who benefits from me never needing anything?
Takeaways
Resentment is a receipt. It proves you crossed yourself for approval.
People-pleasing is control wearing a halo.
Boundaries are not walls. They’re directions.
The “Center Check” Before You Say Yes
Before your next yes, ask:
Is this aligned or is this familiar?
What will this cost my body and my time?
If nobody clapped for me, would I still do it?
Then respond with one of these:
“I can do that, but not today.”
“I can help for 20 minutes, not two hours.”
“That doesn’t work for me, but here’s what does.”
— Tamar Jackson, Co Founder of 80Grit Consulting
— Tamar Jackson, Co Founder of 80Grit Consulting
— Tamar Jackson, Co Founder of 80Grit Consulting
POUR
The Self-Nourishment Blueprint
Are you pouring into others while running on empty? In a fast-paced world that constantly demands our energy, it’s easy to feel drained, disconnected, and overwhelmed. POUR: The Self-Nourishment Blueprint is your guide to reclaiming your energy, realigning with your purpose, and fostering meaningful relationships.
POUR
The Self-Nourishment Blueprint
Are you pouring into others while running on empty? In a fast-paced world that constantly demands our energy, it’s easy to feel drained, disconnected, and overwhelmed. POUR: The Self-Nourishment Blueprint is your guide to reclaiming your energy, realigning with your purpose, and fostering meaningful relationships.
POUR
The Self-Nourishment Blueprint
Are you pouring into others while running on empty? In a fast-paced world that constantly demands our energy, it’s easy to feel drained, disconnected, and overwhelmed. POUR: The Self-Nourishment Blueprint is your guide to reclaiming your energy, realigning with your purpose, and fostering meaningful relationships.